Van Van the Afro Man
by Blue-Jellee
Summary: Van has an afro. Irvine is a homie tryhard, Fiona has a foot fetish and Moonbay has an obsession with squeezing things. It's one crazy world here on Planet Z. RR!
1. Van's Afro

Van Van the Afro Man

By Blue-Jellee

"Come on babe,  
Why don't we paint the town?  
And all that jazz".

A sunny afternoon on Planet Z, one of which most people were out enjoying the sunlight. But not Van Flyheight, oh no not he. He was stuck outside doing maintenance to his Blade Liger, whilst singing.

"I'm gonna rouge my knees  
And roll my stockings down  
And all that jazz".

Van sang away, unaware that he was being watched by a certain blonde haired someone, and her dark haired female friend.

"Start the car  
I know a whoopee spot  
Where the gin is cold  
But the piano's hot.

It's just a noisy hall  
Where there's a nightly brawl  
And all  
That  
Jazz".

Adding in some pelvis thrusts, Van was boogying away.

"Slick your hair  
And wear your buckle shoes  
And all that Jazz".

He thought he heard a giggle in the distance, but he must've imagined it. He took a glance behind him to check nobody was watching, and continued with his song.

"I hear that Father Dip  
Is gonna blow the blues  
And all that Jazz".

Van was really getting into the dance now. He shook his hips and did a few more pelvic thrusts. 'Oh yeah, baby' he shouted out loud, and continued with his song.

"Hold on, hon  
We're gonna bunny hug  
I bought some aspirin  
Down at United Drug  
I case you shake apart  
And want a brand new start  
To do that.. JAZZ".

Van emphasised the last word by screaming it out as loud as he could muster. He shook his hair and shook his hips. Still unaware that he was being watched, he continued his song.

"And all that Jazz..  
and all that jazz..  
and all that jazz..".

"Gee, Van really seems to be getting into that dance doesn't he? I reckon we should sign him up for dance classes," a tanned girl known as Moonbay smiled.

"Oh no, Moonbay, I'm really sure he wouldn't like that." The blonde haired girl shook her head. "We should just leave him, if he found out we were watching him, he'd get very upset".

Moonbay threw back her head and laughed. "Oh god Fiona, you're so naïve. Seriously, if Van can stand your drinking of salty coffee and not get upset, I don't think this'll bother him."

"Hey! I resent tha-!" Fiona was cut off by someone singing ahead of her.

"Come on, babe  
We're gonna brush the sky  
I bet you luck Lindy  
Never flew so high  
'Cause in the stratosphere  
How could he lend an ear  
to all that Jazz?"

Van grabbed his crotch and thrust it in a nature reminiscent of Michael Jackson. "OHH YEAH BABY!" he screamed.

"I don't think I can stand this much longer." Moonbay shook her head. "He's just making a complete dufus of himself. She straightened up and cupped her mouth with her hands. "OI VAN!" she yelled out. "I LOVE YOUR DANCING!"

Van froze, unable to move a muscle.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!" Moonbay continued to shout, much to Van's embarrassment. "FIONA AND I LOVE YOUR DANCING. DON'T STOP ON OUR ACCOUNT."

"Wha- Fiona!" Van spun around as fast as he could. If anything could make his face redder than it already was, it was the sight of the blonde beauty standing next to Moonbay, looking lost for words. 'Great, embarrass yourself in front of the woman you love, you bogan' Van thought angrily.

The aftermath of this little incident was worse than what had happened. Van was so embarrassed at being caught dancing like a hoochie mama by Fiona and Moonbay that he took a shower straight after he got inside, so he could avoid the amused gazes of his friends. He sighed, and leant down to grab a shampoo, not aware of the shampoo he'd actually picked up. He washed his hair twice, and then washed himself all over. After 10 minutes or so, he heard a scream from outside the bathroom.

"OI VAN YOU LOSER, WILL YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWER SO SOME OF US CAN ENJOY THE HOT WATER? OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY _DANCING_?" the voice had shouted. Van heard a snicker behind the door, and then footsteps walking away. He sighed, and got out of the shower.

He went straight to bed after that, not wanting to face any of his friends. He had a troubled dream, that a monkey had chased him around trying to steal his underwear. Weird, but not the weirdest dream he'd ever had.

He woke up after 8 hours sleep feeling refreshed. He was feeling good. Today would be a _good _day. After getting changed, he had just walked out of his bedroom, humming to himself. He was so busy humming to himself he didn't realise Fiona walking near him, and only noticed her presence when he walked into her. "Oh, sorry Fiona, I wasn't paying attention." But it seemed Fiona wasn't paying attention to his apology, either. She was gazing avidly at his hair. 

"What? What's wrong, Fiona?'

Fiona was still gazing at his hair. "Oh nothing's wrong with me, Van. Nothing."

Van looked at her. "Wha-?"

Fiona couldn't contain herself anymore, she burst out laughing."

"Wha-. " Van was cut off again.

Fiona gasped, tears running down her cheeks. Holding her stomach, she cried,

"Van, you have an AFRO!"

Hey people. This is a re-write of a story I wrote a few years ago, that I felt needed a bit of a makeover. Please R/R, or I'll tell Van you kissed Fiona without him knowing 


	2. An Accident

Van Van the Afro Man

By Blue-Jellee

Disclaimer: I do not own Zoids, however much I wish so. However, I DO own Van's **afro**.

"What? What's wrong, Fiona?'

Fiona was still gazing at his hair. "Oh nothing's wrong with me, Van. Nothing."

Van looked at her. "Wha-?"

Fiona couldn't contain herself anymore, she burst out laughing.

"Wha-. " Van was cut off again.

Fiona gasped, tears running down her cheeks. Holding her stomach, she cried,

"Van, you have an AFRO!"

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Chapter 2 – What the…?

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.. 'How the f$! did I get an afro?' Van thought, as he looked in the mirror. 'That can't be possible, my hair has always been smooth and sexy before'.

Van had been thinking a lot in the past few hours. He had been avoiding everybody, staying in his room, not answering the door; just sitting in front of the mirror, singing 'Hit me baby one more time'. He wasn't sure how he got his afro, or how his hair had gotten so big when it was usually so short, but he knew he had to get rid of it. Fiona wouldn't sleep with him unless he did something about it.

Van rose from his sitting place in front of the mirror, and started to pace slowly around his room. He was doing this for quite a few minutes when it struck him to check the shampoo bottle that he had used, and see if there was anything on it about adverse reactions from using it. He walked to his bedroom door, unlocked it and opened it slowly, checking around to see if anybody was there. Nobody was, so he quickly raced towards the bathroom so nobody would see him and torment him about his afro. He quickly entered the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Then he looked in the shower for the shampoo bottle. He saw 3 different shampoo bottles; one that was his, one that was an anti-frizz one, and one that had strange writing on it. He picked up the one with the strange writing on it, and looked at it closely. He couldn't read the writing on the front, however when he looked at the writing on the back he saw English instructions. They stated,

"Use with care. Add only a small amount to a regular shampoo and conditioner and massage into hair. Leave in for five minutes. Using too much of this can result in hair breakage and frizz. Do not use if:

- Your hair is prone to frizz

'Riight' Van thought bitterly.

- You hair is weak/brittle

'Whatever' Van thought.

You have no hair

'Duh' Van thought.

- Your name is Van Flyheight

Now THAT caught Van's attention. He rubbed his eyes and looked again; maybe he had read the wrong thing. It turned out he'd read it properly. Stunned, Van continued reading.

'If your name is Van Flyheight, you are a bogan and we forbid you to use this shampoo, however your hot girlfriend Fiona can use it all she wants.

'If your name is Van Flyheight, you will get an afro if you use this shampoo, and if your name is Van Flyheight, your afro will not go away unless you drink salty coke whilst watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.

Van decided the information was completely worthless, so he decided to ignore it. He sighed and walked out of the bathroom, only to be confronted by Irvine.

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Moonbay and Fiona were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying refreshments; Moonbay, a diet soda, and Fiona, salty coffee.

"I haven't seen Van since yesterday.. do you know what's wrong with him?" Moonbay took a sip out of her diet soda, and stared at Fiona. 'So pretty', Moonbay thought.. 'Just…. Want…. To…. Squeeezeee … her…. Boo-'.

"Yeah, um", Fiona scratched her nose. "He's uh.. a little.. uh.. preoccupied.. uhh.. well, let's just say something has happened and I think he'd prefer I tell nobody about it".

Moonbay laughed, reached out and squeezed Fiona's wrist. "So you're going to tell me right?".

Fiona sighed. She could never keep a secret, as Moonbay knew very well. People always got information out of her somehow. But not this time; she was protecting Van's privacy.. 'then maybe he'll let me touch his foot', she added in an afterthought.

"I can't say. Really, I can't. If Van knew that I'd tol-".

"Don't worry, babe" Moonbay squeezed Fiona's wrist a little harder. "I won't tell him I know, I promise".

Fiona sipped her coffee and looked up at the roof. "It's a little complicated, Moonbay".

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Irvine stared at Van for a few seconds when he saw him. There was Van, barely up to Irvine's shoulders, yet way taller than him because of the huge afro on Van's head. It looked ridiculous.

"Yo dawg! Wat up in da north side?" Irvine yelled out crazily. "Wat up wif da G dawg hair do YO!".

…

Van stared for a moment, then started, "Uhh nothing.. no.. nothing". Van tried to quickly walked away before Irvine could say anything else, but Irvine followed him.

"Yo dawg, G. Wat up! Your hair dawg, is like LARGO!". Irvine punched Van in the arm.

Van rolled his eyes. "Quit with the homeboy thing Irvy, it don't suit ya. And what the f& is 'largo'?"

Irvine reached up and touched Van's hair. "DAWG, like, if ya poke it dawg, it goes like.. BOING.. yo!".

Van sighed. This was gonna be a looonng day.

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"What could possibly be that complicated that you can't tell me, your best friend?" Moonbay suppressed a giggle. If she kept acting low-key, she might get the information out of Fiona.

"Umm, gosh, I don't know. He had an accident, I suppose". Fiona blushed; she really did not want to embarrass Van.

"An accident? Like what? He wet the bed last night, didn't he?"

"How'd you know about that?".

"I was just kidding, Fi, but that's just gross. I can't believe he still wets the bed" Moonbay squeezed Fiona's wrist again. "But what was the accident? You aren't getting out of telling me".

Fiona sighed. Moonbay wasn't going to give up, so she might as well spill the beans.

"Well you see.. Van, kinda… "

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Irvine followed Van around for 5 more minutes, constantly making wacky jokes about Van's hair. Van didn't care anymore; so what, he has a stupid hair style. He knew a lot of people with stupid hair styles… like.. uhh.. well, he was sure he knew some people who had stupid hair do's.

Van saw the kitchen door open, so he walked to it. Maybe he'd just run in and lock the door behind Irvine, who was currently poking the back of Van's head.. irritating the sh! outta Van. He made a run for it, and entered the kitchen. Just as he was about to shut the door, he noticed two people sitting at the kitchen table, staring at him.

'What the hell is on Van's head?' Moonbay thought wildly. 'It looks pathetic'.

Fiona sighed, and continued. "He kind has an afro now..".

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The end of this chapter! Yippeee! Please R/R, and if you have any ideas you want to be used in the story, or any characters or anything, tell me and I'll add them in if I can.

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Thanks to the following people for reviewing:

**Iceprincess85** – You rock. Also, Van kissing Fiona wouldn't be a bad thing; it would be a very very good thing! .

**Fiona-Angel** – A frilly pink dress huh? Good idea, I might have to use it P

**Cereal Killer – **Thanks. That was a cool song you made up, too '

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read royalphoenix's stories if you like beyblade 


	3. Dr Norbert Pootius, PhD

This chapter is dedicated to my love -Iceprincess85. Read her stories now, or else I'll tell Inuyasha you're being mean to Kagome and he'll hurt you.

* * *

'What the hell is on Van's head?' Moonbay thought wildly. 'It looks pathetic'.

Fiona sighed, and continued. "He kind has an afro now..".

* * *

Chapter 3: Dr. Norbert Pootius, PhD

Van Van the Afro Man by Blue Jellee

Disclaimer: I do not own Zoids, but I really wish I did.. so if the creators are willing to sell .. (as if). I also did not write the lyrics in this chapter; they are from My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas.

* * *

Van was sitting on his bed, habitually glancing at his bedroom door as though he were expecting somebody to barge through it. In reality, he was merely deep in thought about his current predicament. A few days had passed since Van's friends had witnessed his afro, and he'd been avoiding everybody; staying in his room and ignoring knocks on his door, only letting in Fiona every now and then to talk, since she was the only one polite enough not to laugh when she saw him.

He hadn't yet been successful in removing the afro; he hadn't ever known anybody who'd come across the same problem, so he couldn't ask for advice. Moonbay and Irvine were all for letting Van keep the afro, claiming they needed something 'funny' to look at every now and then to lift their spirits. As for Fiona, she was all willing to help Van get rid of it. Fiona had prepensely suggested that Van should go and see a hair specialist, and he, somewhat reluctantly, agreed. "It may be the only way to get rid of that thing, Van" Fiona had said just the day earlier, "please go?" Not wanting to disappoint Fiona, Van had agreed.

* * *

The day before Van was due at the hair specialist arrived in great hurry, and Van wasn't sure he could hold out much longer with his afro. It was true that Van was now getting used to his afro, but that did not mean he liked it. It _definitely_ did not. And so, Van thought, the best way to get rid of all the pent up stress was to sing. Singing always helped.

"_What you gon' do with all that junk?  
All that junk inside your trunk?"_

Van lifted himself off of his bed, grabbed one of Fiona's hairbrushes that she had left in his room recently, and started singing into it.

_"I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  
Get you love drunk off my hump. "_

'Ooh yeah' Van thought. 'This is great'.

_"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,  
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps."_

Van was getting louder now; louder with each word.

"_I drive these scrubbers crazy,  
I do it on the daily,  
They treat me really nicely,  
They buy me all these ice-ys.  
Dolce & Gabbana,  
Fendi and then Donna  
Karen, they be sharin'  
All their money got me wearin'  
Fly gearrr but I ain't askin,"_

Van started doing the whole pelvic thrust thing; swaying his hips to and forth, side to side.

"_They say they love my ass 'n,"_

Van slapped himself on the butt, and continued.

"_Se7en Jeans, True Religion,  
I say no, but they keep givin'  
So I keep on takin'  
And no I ain't fakin'  
We can keep on datin'  
I keep on demonstrating."_

"Um.. what are you doing, Van?" a voice came from behind Van. He jumped 10 feet in the air, and turned around.

"WHAT are you doing here!" Van shouted, blushing furiously.

"My gosh, Van, no need to be rude." Fiona tilted her head awkwardly at Van. "I was just asking a question. Anyway, I just came in here to see if you were alright, but I guess you are, so I'll leave." Fiona turned her back on Van and walked out of the room. 'Well that went well' Van thought sarcastically, and threw himself on the bed.

**

* * *

**

"Here we are" Fiona turned and smiled at Van, who nodded glumly. "The doctor's name is.." Fiona looked down at the piece of paper in her hand, "Dr. Pootius".

Van was shunned out of his state of total misery by the words that came out of Fiona's mouth. "Dr POOTIUS? What kind of name is Pootius, anyway? His mum sure didn't love him…"

"Van! I'm surprised at you. Since when have you judged a person by their name?" Fiona scolded loudly, glaring at Van.

"Never, not until now. But I've never heard of a person with such a stupid last name. What's his first name, do you know?"

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Yes, I do know, but I'm not saying. You'll only make fun of him."

"What? I will not!"

"Yes you will"

"No I won't"

"You will!"

"Won't!"

"Fine! It's Norbert. Norbert Pootius.. happy?"

A loud burst of laughter came from Van. He couldn't talk because he was laughing so hard.

"Ugh, I am never taking you anywhere again, got it? Are you listening to me?" Fiona added, glaring at Van who was still in fits of laughter.

"Norbert…Pootius..!" Van gasped, now rolling on the floor laughing. "What, his mum _and_ dad didn't love him? Poor guy!" tears fell from Van's cheeks as he continued laughing.

"At least he isn't the one with the afro!"

That shut Van up.

* * *

"Welcome, welcome!" Dr Pootius exclaimed, welcoming Van and Fiona into his office. "Nice to see you both! Now, what has happened to you?" Dr Pootius shot an amused look at Van, who mumbled something incomprehensible underneath his breath.

"He.. erm.. kind of had an accident, with the shampoo" Fiona spoke slowly, glancing at Van as though waiting for some sort of a negative reaction from him.

"Aah.. well, there's nothing I can do about that!. Now, have you two been having safe sex?" Dr Pootius examined Van and Fiona through his square spectacles.

"What do you mean, you can't do anything about it! And.. huh? Safe sex? What do you mean?" Van leapt to his feet, glaring at Dr Pootius.

"Aah, safe sex can be defined as the act of using some sort of protect-"

"I KNOW WHAT SAFE SEX IS, YOU IMBECILE! I MEANT WHAT-DO-YOU-MEAN-YOU-CAN'T-FIX-THIS-AFRO?" Van shouted, his fists curling into a ball.

"Ahh, my young man! Why don't you calm yourself now.. that's a boy. Sit down and we can have a nice talk boy to boy"

"Don't you mean man to man!" Van shot at Dr Pootius, and sat down.

"Yes, I guess I did. Now, what I mean is that I am not a hair specialist. No, my dear boy" he added at the look of disgust on Van's face, "I am a sex specialist".

"WHAT!" Van and Fiona shot out at the same time, both arising to their feet.

"Aah, a sex specialist can be defined as an expert who helps peo-"

"WE KNOW WHAT A SEX SPECIALIST IS! WE MEANT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT A HAIR SPECIALIST!" Van and Fiona screamed out at the same time.

"Aah, I can see we are going to meet some difficulties here today" Dr Pootius sighed, and took a sip of his coffee.

* * *

Thanks to everybody who reviewed, I really appreciate it. Please review this chapter, constructive criticism is welcome :D 


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